Letter to the Bank #18

Dear B,

Are you a Zombie Bank? Are you thriving or quite the opposite? Be honest now. Is it like in that old movie, Beau Geste, in which the dead legionnaires, their guns tucked under their arms, are propped up on the walls of their desert fortress to give every appearance of still being a force to be reckoned with? When I throw money at my debt am I essentially throwing it into a grave?

The courtesy of a reply would be greatly appreciated.

K

Letter to the Bank #17

Dear Bank,

Now you are asking me if I am a citizen or not? For years you’ve been extending me all kinds of credit, almost to a foolish degree I might add, and now you won’t offer me anything and are questioning my background? What gives? For how many years do I have to pay my taxes, pay into social security etc? I admit I am not a purebred American per say -though honestly I have yet to meet one who is though I should admit I’m not exactly sure what they look like- point being- do you want to loan me money or not? I know these are tough times and the fact is you are all in the hole up to your own necks but what are you going to do when we all flee the coop and start burying our money under the mattress? I know if I got a huge bailout I’d try and pass some of it on. That is the whole point isn’t it?

I am not so angry I am unwilling to offer you some financial tidbits of my own. If such words of wisdom would be sugar to your ears in these trying times do not hesitate to ask for some of my suggestions. I have lots up my sleeve, and lots of friends who are artists as well, who are also grappling with the financial crisis, intelligently I’ll bet, and who therefore also know more about money than most.

Yours patiently,

K

PS- I've sent the incredibly sensitive personal information you asked for. You better extend me that credit I was asking for!

Letter to the Bank #16

K

Dear Banks,

Is it like shooting fish in a barrel? Is that what I’m doing when I point my ire at…you guys? I know you are a vague and varied target but from the lowest level on up you are all supposed to be money aware. I’m an artist so I’m excused! That is why I bank with you…so you’ll manage my money! So a little bit of self-rightious anger is forgivable wouldn’t you say-even for an irresponsible homebuyer like myself.

So I was somewhat irked when I came across a review of Snark by David Denby (NYT Book Review 2.22.09). I distinctly got the feeling that I might, in Denby’s eyes, be guilty of snarkiness, a low form of humor in his eyes. Are my letters to you snarky? I hope not but suspect they could be considered as such, especially those that begin: “Dear BM”. I was irked, took particular umbrage in this instance, because Mr. Denby not only has often negatively reviewed movies I love (that’s another matter), but has also targeted Maureen Dowd in this, his latest polemic, describing, her views on the financial establishment as prime examples of snarkiness, according to the review. She is one of the few public faces openly expressing a fury that I believe is shared by millions but somehow those millions are now being persuaded to get angry with each other instead-responsible renters versus irresponsible home owners being the first example that comes to mind. This is anger misdirected! Apparently poking fun at the experts that directed us lemming like creatures down the drain is not on! They might take offense! Then, if any chicken legs do drop from their abundant table, they won’t land on yours! Is that snarky enough for you? Not only is it fun to poke fun at the people who saw this coming and did nothing to put on the brakes-it’s our moral obligation! Besides they are so thick skinned nothing I say or do is going to bother them in the least. They don’t need anyone rushing to their defense. They’ll still be grinning from ear to unhearing ear, caviar dripping from their chins, as that bullet train hurtles into the gaping black hole of that never ending tunnel. Unscrupulous, egotistical, insensitive and self-centered and this Denby fellow is concerned that some of the commentary directed at them is below the belt. Oh, all right. I haven’t actually read his book. Why am I so angry? I’m angry for one thing because they’ve been taking advantage of my financial ignorance for years and I feel so very stupid.

On the same day I read the aforementioned review I happened to hear This American Life on the radio. I was more than impressed by their nuanced and balanced approach to the whole mess. They pointed no fingers, and slung no mud in their honest efforts to get to the bottom of the financial crisis. You should listen to it. It is a great radio show. You also might like to know the Chamber Music Society of Lincoln Center will be performing Stravinsky’s Histoire du Soldat on the 27th February, with Klaus Maria Brandauer as the narrator. This piece is close to my heart because I also was once the narrator at a music camp in Vermont. I had a ball.

But why do I bring this up? I bring it up to be…a killjoy. I suspect we’ve each sold our violin to the devil, as the soldier in that tale did, in exchange for the easy life, or an easier life at any rate. Show me those who didn’t. I’d like to bask in the glow of their company and benefit from their advice, advice I surely can trust. Sitting on this “bullet train to bankruptcy” (Maureen Dowd, OP-ED, NYT 2.22.09) theirs is the company I wish to share.

Yours breathless (it must be this toxic environment),

K

The Blind Leading The Blind

The Great Confession

Letter to the Bank #15

Dear Bank,

I recently looked at my reserves of empathy that, if ever they were banked with you have long since found a safer refuge under my metaphorical mattress, and found they were running dangerously low. Clearly I’ve been spending way beyond my means. What I have left I must preserve for the downtrodden and the disenfranchised, those who rarely if ever get to brush their teeth using fresh, clean water. This means future letters I send you may appear dry or brusque on occasion, if not, once in a while, downright snippy. Do not take it too personally. I believe the supply of Love to be boundless so we should all be okay in the long run.

Why am I telling you this? Because lately some desperate individuals have been grabbing at my shirt sleeves demanding my sympathy and understanding and I find myself unable to give them any. They are mostly snake oil salesmen: unscrupulous money lenders, credit officers, and mortgage gamblers. For years (or at the very least a year) they have toiled to make money (mostly theirs) grow. That has been their work. That is what they are paid to do. Is it their fault that the money pool is shrinking instead? Should they be penalized for the worldwide epidemic of credit defaults? Apparently they have now discovered within themselves new feelings-feelings of soulfulness and angst, feelings of being victimized, preyed upon, and cheated. They have discovered deep reserves of righteous indignation and they want my help. They now want redress for wrongs perpetrated on them by the public at large. And what has the public done to cause them so much grief? The public has decided that their huge, excessive, boundless, irrational bonuses are out of all proportion to the work they do and want them to go without. People are mad-not just a little mad, or jolly mad, but murderously so. They want to throw eggs. They’d like to sit at the foot of the guillotine knitting as the heads roll. That is how bad this is. Instead the carpet is being pulled out quite gently from beneath them and they are being offered food stamps. They are getting off lightly. They should cut their losses and lay low. The pool of empathy out there is getting dangerously shallow. I used to have a lot more and I am sad to see it evaporate just as they are sorry to see their prepaid vacations go up in smoke. The upside of course is this: ultimately we are all in the same boat. Question is who is going to end up cannibalizing whom in that vast, endless ocean of debt?

I should publish these!
Yours sincerely,

K

Letter to the Bank #14

Dear Bank,

I’m just staring right now, staring as the value of my only asset drops! I can literally see the foundations of my home sinking into the soft clayey soil, the home where I have raised—not only two fine young whippersnappers—but also some very fine pumpkins! What shall I do when the cost of my mortgage is more than the value of my home? Should I walk away? You tell me-you are, after all, a banker! You know what the responsible thing to do is…don’t you?

Aggrieved as usual,

K

PS Sorry if I am repeating myself.
PPS How are your Stocks doing? Mine are almost finished!

Letter to the Bank #13

Dear Bank,


…Zombie banks? What are ZOMBIE banks? Actually you don’t need to tell me. I have an imagination! I’m not so dim as you think! (Pause). There I go taking out my ire and confusion on you, my dear, dear friend. Just because all your friends are driving badly I shouldn’t take it out on you. I know that. Forgive me. You and I are above such things. We have an understanding, a rare thing in this day and age. That said shouldn’t you be out there with your sawn off shotgun? Not only are they tarnishing your name but they are also terrifying! You are scaring away your customers! They certainly make my flesh crawl. They confirm my worst fears. Do you know what that fear is? I’m afraid the local, friendly bank manager of yore has gone for good. And you know what that means, right? People have nobody to turn to for honest, financial assistance, nobody to look to for help with interpreting staggeringly complicated clauses, charts and forms; nobody who can help them/us get our heads around numbers so big they miraculously become…small again! There is nobody out there who we can trust. TRUST used to be the name of the game but trust has dropped through that big black hole in the shiny tiled floor of that tired, fool’s gold spattered institution we all know as The Bank.


Sincerely troubled,


K


PS I wish, just for once, I could write and ask how your holiday in the Bahamas went...but honestly, right now, I can hardly pretend I care.

Letter to the Bank #12

Dear Bank,

Is it true what they are saying? I heard you were having trouble shoring up your institution? I know plenty of folks out there willing to lend a helping hand (at interest of course), people now jobless, restless and dying for something to do. Is it manual labor you need? Is it the foundations or just a retaining wall?

Yours sincerely,

K


PS By the way you know me, and my love of how words mutate. I looked up retainer the other day:

NOUN (3)

1. a fee charged in advance to retain the services of someone;
[syn: retainer, consideration]

2. a person working in the service of another (especially in the household);
[syn: servant, retainer]

3. a dental appliance that holds teeth (or a prosthesis) in position after orthodontic treatment;

Isn’t that wonderful! As a member of the Bruxist Collective I was quite pleased. Got this definition from the Free Dictionary (www.freedictionary.org).
Please note: FREE

Letter to the Bank #11

Dear Bank,

I walked into the bank the other day and saw the manager walk by who, though I have banked at this particular institution for nigh on ten years, failed to remember my name. That said I'm pretty awful with names myself so I don't hold this against him. What bothered me more was his bounce! Nobody should be bouncing and jiggling around all happy with a "life is good" air about them when all around people are drowning, floundering, flailing about, unable to meet their gazillion obligations to family, to kids, to friends, to self. He especially shouldn't be showing off his new gold digital fob watch on its platinum chain. I found that especially offensive. This prompts me to go public with some of the letters I have received from your colleagues! I might! I really might! Please have a word with them about their General Demeanor when dealing with the General Public! There's a good chap. Make them bow more. Have them clasp their hands together and rub them all about. I would like that.
Honestly that would make me feel a lot better. They may have more power (if you believe money is power) but allow me to at
least feel a little condescension.

Regards,

K

Letter to the Bank #10

Dear Bank,

In the interests of full disclosure and utter transparency I think I should tell you I recently signed a petition. The petition says: "Congress must place enforceable, common-sense limits on salaries at all the banks that have taken taxpayer dollars."

I also cracked a joke. My question to the banks was this: Where did all the bail out money go? What hole did they pour it down? I wanted to know so I could go spelunking.

More seriously I also asked them this:
What would they do if the value of their home were less than the money they owed on it? Would they walk away?

Yours (whether I like it or not),

K

Letter to the Bank #9

Dear Bank,

I’ve put my current infrastructure project on hold. Though only a modest slice of the Economic Stimulus package would get it up and running I fear, for now, those extra hands I would willingly have put to work, will remain idle. Instead of helping me paint the basement the kids will have to content themselves with whiling away their valuable time on their Wiis and I-pods, their Gameboys and Webkinz. Until I can once again provide them with employment appropriate to their skill level and the commensurate pay rate, their talents will remain underutilized. For now a trip to the movies is out of the question. An adult ticket is at least $12 and by the time the whole family has been paid the hole in my pocket would at minimum be fifty big ones big! In this economy that is a big hole to fill!

So for now we are laying low. That said we still do our bit to stimulate the economy! I admit I cut my own hair the other day but honestly you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t! Look at poor John Edwards who was excoriated for getting a $300 haircut! Make up your minds! Do you want us to be thrifty or not?

My figuring is this: As required expenditures continue apace we are thus continuing to consume. We continue to pay out for guitar lessons, after school programs and necessary deposits for Summer Camp (forbid I take time off work to be with my kids), and so it is that we satisfy the SPEND lobby. Meanwhile we are putting wants and desires on hold so satisfying the need for THRIFT, for belt-tightening. Sot it is that despite limited resources we continue to pump up the economy.

I’d greatly appreciate it if you, for one, stopped bashing me for trying to not dig myself deeper into debt. If I am still contributing to the economy and paying my taxes I’m surely doing my bit. The question occurs to me: Are you, the bank, doing yours?

Yours sincerely and possibly a little distant,

K

PS if I spend and save does that make me a spendthrift? What do you think? Actually what do you think about anything? You really haven’t told me yet.

New housing ideas in a tough economy

from:
Collateral Damage

The Narrow Bridge

If you want useful information about handling your finances during the current economic permafrost do check out the Narrow Bridge, now in my links list. Personally I am so paralyzed by debt I can only laugh but when I can come up for air this would be my first port of call. Anya Kamenetz responds to a hailstorm of concerns and provides a list of other links and blogs of use. She also offers links to her chats with Brian Lehrer on WNYC.

Letter to the Bank #8

Dear Bank,

I am beginning to think I am not dealing with a human being at all! Is this possible? It has been three months and so far no reply! I did get the card but otherwise no note or anything! What is the point of dealing with or sending money to a machine, I have to ask myself. I've already stopped putting money in ATMs if you haven't already noticed. So I am not going to send anymore! There! That was simple! Oh if only all communications could be so concluded! Of course a hand written note asking me to please keep paying down my credit cards would be hard to resist and I would be compelled, as an honorable being, to honor your request. Please consider doing likewise in regards to my previous missives.

Yours sincerely,

K

PS Seeing as I am a number can't you give me a bigger number than that?

Letter to the Bank #7

Dear Bank,

You certainly cannot accuse me of failure to persist. I am confident that eventually we will both see the light and will consequently come to a mutually satisfying arrangement. You know and I know it would do neither of us any good if I should decide to simply walk away from my obligations. You would never do that I’m sure. That said I realize your obligations keep changing. I have to say it is sometimes hard to keep up. Who defines what our obligations are? Who decides to up the interest rate or deny credit or default on debt? I wish they, whoever they are, would keep things simple. Personally I have reached a point of paralysis.

Ah well. At least my house is still standing! Oh and I passed your bank the other day and noticed that it, to, was standing tall and proud, despite the wreckage of empty shops, and foreclosed businesses lying like flotsam at its feet.

Did you know that the number 99, or any number that ends in 9, has the effect of lulling people into spending more? Maybe you should put 99 at the end of all the numbers you send me and I’ll magically feel that I owe you less than I thought, am therefore rich, and should go buy anything ending in the number 99. So there’s a tip for you. Who says you cannot get anything for free! What is more if you keep things simple I might just go ahead and increase my debt!

Yours sincerely,

K

PS You guys are good at Numerology. Do you have any tips for me?

PPS Suddenly I am a bit concerned about offending someone by stealing their photos off the web and having them attempt to sue me for my paltry assets so I am recycling an image from The Bruxist Collective, an extraordinary outfit who have been kind enough to permit my using some of their brilliant and underappreciated artwork for this project. Oh. Now I suppose I should come up with a name...or an acronym. Look for it in a later missive.

Pubs in England closing at the rate of four a day

Here is another victim of the downturn: In England smoking bans and taxes on beer only partly explain the loss of pubs at the rate of four a day. A pubs is supposed to be a refuge from daily toil and trouble but thanks to unscrupulous mortgage sellers, and turn a blind eye lenders they are foreclosing at an unbelievable rate. A beloved part of the social fabric is just fading away.

Bouncy Banker

Bouncy Banker pushes a man into a big black hole

Ways to save Money PART1

Guilty of saving money!
One way to save your money is to give yourself your own haircut! It is easy! Take one pair of scissors, preferably hair cutting scissors and begin! Be sure your work area is clear otherwise hair gets all over the place! This young man cut his own hair, (though it must be admitted under some duress. Nonetheless he has a stylish haircut!

Now there is the argument that this young man, by cutting his own hair, is undermining the economy. By not spending and by not supporting his local hairdresser he is not consuming. I personally think we will all continue to spend quite a lot and need no further encouragement to do so! SO when we do strive to save, and pay down debts, it is only to the better! This post is full of exclamations! Did you notice?

Letter to the Bank #6

Dear Bank,

I’ve noticed recently how, when I really need a 0% credit card offer those offers simply are not coming in the mail! Why is this? Has this something to do with the current fiscal crisis? Or is it me? Don’t you trust me anymore? Have I ever been less than frank with you? If so I am surely sorry. The very foundations of our relationship depend on complete trust do they not? If I have, in any way, compromised that trust, I am truly remorseful. I know that you, as an upstanding institution, would never tolerate such a stain on your name and would be truly remorseful, and want you to understand that I also have my pride. After all if the trust is gone what do we have left?

If I have in any way caused you to question my responsibility with money, so resulting in this disinclination to extend me further credit, please let me know forthwith and I shall immediately institute steps to resuccitate what I can of our relationship.

Yours most mortified,

K

PS—Do you know the roots of fiscal? Comes from the Latin fiscalis from fiscus basket, treasury. FISCAL means: of or relating to taxation, public revenues…or public debt.
Next I’ll bone up on Aggregate demand. If we should ever go for a meal we’d have lots to talk about! The empty basket and the basket case could have a fine old chat! Do forgive me. Sarcasm is unbecoming in a formal letter. But, sorry to say this, I sometimes feel that I am not dealing with a human being and, if that is the case, what does it matter? That is how despairing, how mortified I am!

Letter to the Bank #5

Dear Bank,

I am trying a new tactic. How silly of me that I did not take this approach before. I am now sending my letters to my personal branch—my personal branch where they, the letters, will no doubt get personal attention. I am right am I not?

I have included an artwork by my daughter. If my artwork is priceless (which it surely is) then hers is beyond priceless. Still, as is sadly so necessary in our society if one is to survive I have attached a price. The price is that of her home. How reasonable is that? To be more precise the price is what we owe you. As I have said before (and reiterate now) Art is emphatically worth more than money. However for art to put food in the mouths of our children and a roof over their heads it is forced to drop its pants and translate itself into dosh, dough what you will. I asked my daughter what she thought her drawing was worth. She said she’d give it to me in exchange for an ice cream. We brokered our deal and I feel I have made a wonderful investment. You now have the chance to do the same.

If you accept my terms please let me know in the next thirty days. If I do not hear from you in that time I shall assume you do accept my terms and consider our debts cancelled.

Yours sincerely,

K

PS- My daughter loves pumpkins.
PPS- Remember! Art is worth more than money!

The International Association of Astronomical Artists

I admit it. I'm going off topic-nothing whatsoever to do with the current financial crisis or imaginative offspins thereof. But there really is such an association, and association is what this is all about. That said http://iaaa.org tends to concentrate on paintings of space and space shuttles from what I gather. I wonder if they plan to do any shows on inner space, voids, astronomical wealth, stratospheric greed? Now that would be interesting. Greed unchecked might just drive us all to seek out a new planet to live on

Letter to the Bank #4

Dear Bank,

Please don’t tell me you have gone and discarded the drawing I recently sent you? That would seem very clumsy and inefficient especially on the part of a bank that handles so much money the world over. How can I trust you to look after my money if you cannot even respond civilly to a perfectly nice letter and/or take care of its contents? Consider this a slap on the hand but do not worry. I am not going to sue you. I don’t really like that sort of thing. Seems to me that as a culture we are all too quick to jump on peoples' backs as soon as they make the slightest mistake and I am the first to admit that I make mistakes. Still I do think you could’ve been a little more careful and I am sure you can understand that this somewhat diminishes the trust I have in your institution. That said I understand that the artwork came to you unsolicited in the first place! As far as you are concerned it is probably just junk mail! I kind of feel the same about your credit card offers these days. True I have taken advantage of them but now it seems they are taking advantage of me! Note: I didn’t say YOU were taking advantage of me because I still hold out the hope that you, as an upstanding institution would not be so course as to do such a thing.

I am going to let you off the hook! You lost my artwork and that is that but you can be sure I will not be offering you any more of the same. I shall try other banks instead. Perhaps they might be a little more careful. In the back of my mind though, I have to admit I sometimes wonder if you are not actually all the same bank! I know it sounds ridiculous but it isn’t. It is a bit like rolling all those nice brightly colored cylinders of Playdough together until all you are left with is one big dirty color, a color you simply wouldn’t want to work with.

Yours sincerely (if a little disappointed),


K


PS If you are so inclined you might send me the address of your corporate art collection. Perhaps they will be a little more appreciative.

Letter to the Bank #3

Dear Bank,

I am beginning to think I am not dealing with a human being at all! Is this possible? It has been three months and so far no reply! What is the point of sending money to a machine, I have to ask myself. So I am not going to send anymore! There! That was simple! Oh if only all communications could be so concluded! Of course a hand written note asking me to please keep paying down my credit cards would be hard to resist and I would be compelled, as an honorable being, to honor your request. Please consider doing likewise in regards to my previous missives.

Yours sincerely,

K