Letter to the Bank #9

Dear Bank,

I’ve put my current infrastructure project on hold. Though only a modest slice of the Economic Stimulus package would get it up and running I fear, for now, those extra hands I would willingly have put to work, will remain idle. Instead of helping me paint the basement the kids will have to content themselves with whiling away their valuable time on their Wiis and I-pods, their Gameboys and Webkinz. Until I can once again provide them with employment appropriate to their skill level and the commensurate pay rate, their talents will remain underutilized. For now a trip to the movies is out of the question. An adult ticket is at least $12 and by the time the whole family has been paid the hole in my pocket would at minimum be fifty big ones big! In this economy that is a big hole to fill!

So for now we are laying low. That said we still do our bit to stimulate the economy! I admit I cut my own hair the other day but honestly you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t! Look at poor John Edwards who was excoriated for getting a $300 haircut! Make up your minds! Do you want us to be thrifty or not?

My figuring is this: As required expenditures continue apace we are thus continuing to consume. We continue to pay out for guitar lessons, after school programs and necessary deposits for Summer Camp (forbid I take time off work to be with my kids), and so it is that we satisfy the SPEND lobby. Meanwhile we are putting wants and desires on hold so satisfying the need for THRIFT, for belt-tightening. Sot it is that despite limited resources we continue to pump up the economy.

I’d greatly appreciate it if you, for one, stopped bashing me for trying to not dig myself deeper into debt. If I am still contributing to the economy and paying my taxes I’m surely doing my bit. The question occurs to me: Are you, the bank, doing yours?

Yours sincerely and possibly a little distant,

K

PS if I spend and save does that make me a spendthrift? What do you think? Actually what do you think about anything? You really haven’t told me yet.

Letter to the Bank #7

Dear Bank,

You certainly cannot accuse me of failure to persist. I am confident that eventually we will both see the light and will consequently come to a mutually satisfying arrangement. You know and I know it would do neither of us any good if I should decide to simply walk away from my obligations. You would never do that I’m sure. That said I realize your obligations keep changing. I have to say it is sometimes hard to keep up. Who defines what our obligations are? Who decides to up the interest rate or deny credit or default on debt? I wish they, whoever they are, would keep things simple. Personally I have reached a point of paralysis.

Ah well. At least my house is still standing! Oh and I passed your bank the other day and noticed that it, to, was standing tall and proud, despite the wreckage of empty shops, and foreclosed businesses lying like flotsam at its feet.

Did you know that the number 99, or any number that ends in 9, has the effect of lulling people into spending more? Maybe you should put 99 at the end of all the numbers you send me and I’ll magically feel that I owe you less than I thought, am therefore rich, and should go buy anything ending in the number 99. So there’s a tip for you. Who says you cannot get anything for free! What is more if you keep things simple I might just go ahead and increase my debt!

Yours sincerely,

K

PS You guys are good at Numerology. Do you have any tips for me?

PPS Suddenly I am a bit concerned about offending someone by stealing their photos off the web and having them attempt to sue me for my paltry assets so I am recycling an image from The Bruxist Collective, an extraordinary outfit who have been kind enough to permit my using some of their brilliant and underappreciated artwork for this project. Oh. Now I suppose I should come up with a name...or an acronym. Look for it in a later missive.