Letters to the Bouncy Banker...

Letters to the Bouncy Banker...
...from a struggling artiste.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Actual Letter to The Bank from an 86 Year Old Woman

A friend received the following in an email and forwarded to me, and now I share it with you as received:

Elder  Banking... PRICELESS!!

Shown  below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an  86 year old woman.

The  bank manager thought it amusing enough to have  it
published in the New York  Times.
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Dear  Sir:



I am writing to thank you for bouncing my  check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last  month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must  have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor  it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I  admit, has been in place for only eight years.



You are to be commended for seizing that  brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my  account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience  caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from  the manner in which this incident has caused me to  rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas  I personally answer your telephone calls and letters,  --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the  impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity  which your bank has become.



From now on, I, like  you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood  person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will  therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will  arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and  confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must  nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under  the Postal Act for any other person to open such an  envelope.

Please find attached an Application  Contact which I require your chosen employee to  complete.



I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but  in order that I know as much about him or her as your  bank knows about me, there is no  alternative.

Please note that all copies of his  or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary  Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial  situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must  be accompanied by documented proof.

In due  course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee  with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings  with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than  28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of  button presses required of me to access my account  balance on your phone bank service.


As they say,  imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let  me level the playing field even further.

When you  call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY  AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR  ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see  me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To  transfer the call to my living room in case I am  there.



#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in  case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to  my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6.  To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at  home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a  password to access my computer is  required.


Password will be communicated to you at  a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned  earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to  listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general  complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be  put on hold, pending the attention of my automated  answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder  to press* for English.



While this may, on  occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will  play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably,  but again following your example, I must also levy an  establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new  arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so  slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble  Client


And  remember:
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like  being old in the first place,
so it doesn't take much  to piss us off.
 
 

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